You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar