Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
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“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Cool shirt 🙂
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?