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That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
her: I don鈥檛 feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I鈥檓 having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn鈥檛 you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
barbie鈥檚 story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won鈥檛 get a job
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
3% human
97% stress
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I鈥檓 supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn鈥檛 right, but I鈥檓 close. I can feel it.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body