Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Sending in my taxes
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.