There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
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It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Made something I’m not proud of
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.