I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Mad Max Arctic Road
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
guys i’ve cracked the code
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
The options really are this bad
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.