Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”