I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor