In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking