[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
You Might Also Like
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse