My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
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I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.