@jonnysun opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
@Chhapiness *8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
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@jonnysun 
@BlairLoudly Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
@shesananteater Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
@momsense_ensues 7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
@blondebombs They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
@AdamDavis “Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
@samalmightysam I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
@VashWdsUnspoken Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
@estjaziah how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
@sizabledickhead I peed so hard that a little laugh came out