Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.