Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Dishonest mechanic?

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle