I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next