*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.