Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
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[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.