A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
The first matador
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig