If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
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[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
OMG 🤣🤣
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this