Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Note to self: I am a note
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.