I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
me as a parent
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
dads on road-trips be like
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.