QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
2022 be like
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you