I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My Sentiments Exactly
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.