[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
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When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
*Seductively hides in the woods
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole