Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I’m about to risk it all
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Kentucky names the shit out of places
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.