Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
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“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
“That’s what” – She
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.