“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Customer is always right
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.