I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
![]()
You Might Also Like
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*pronounces fake like saké*
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
![]()
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks