My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
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i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The news
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
For anyone who needs this today
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.