[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?