If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace