Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
You Might Also Like
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.