When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You Might Also Like
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.