I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
You Might Also Like
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I am yelling
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me