Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”