@SvnSxty

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

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@ch000ch

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

@sixfootcandy

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

@PJTLynch

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

@BoomBoomBetty

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

@Kyle_Lippert

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

@TheAlexNevil

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

@batkaren

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse