*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
#SuperBowl
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
inside you are two wolves
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.