*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.