Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*me flirting
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
OMG 🤣🤣
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?