Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.