Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.