@RealSudoNim
@briancthayer Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
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@briancthayer 
@chinesegon i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
@UrPalWilly [runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
@onion_an Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
@BlindChow In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
@CM2BTTHD My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
@aparnapkin Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
@MelvinofYork My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
@shouldhaveaduck Hot Hot Hot
@TheAlexP Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade