I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

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Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite


i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag


[runs inside of a gas station]


*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game


Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time


In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.


My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.


My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out


Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade