@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

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@dlockw21

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

@DanMentos

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

@jonnysun

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

@charliedelta7

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

@Brampersandon_

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

@TuSoonShakur

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

@IAmMikeFeeney

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

@robin_991

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

@MarfSalvador

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

@theshantilly

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.