@RealSudoNim
@dlockw21 *Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
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@dlockw21 
@DanMentos [pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
@jonnysun FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
@charliedelta7 McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
@Brampersandon_ *Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
@TuSoonShakur I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
@IAmMikeFeeney What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
@robin_991 I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
@MarfSalvador Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
@theshantilly Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.