I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

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*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.


[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit


FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?


McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.


*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
“Omg Yes!”
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.


I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.


What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”


I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.


Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—



Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.