The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
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Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes