Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
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Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Tastes like chicken.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
President The Rock Obama
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”