movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs