Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
synchronized noseblowing
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.