doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?