Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there