We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
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Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
The days of good grammer has went
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.