The days of good grammer has went
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Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.