The days of good grammer has went
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The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
it is time once again
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.