People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
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[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad