guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
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I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?