Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means