Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
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I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
She was rare, like a goth jogging
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
This is me 🤣🤣
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.