Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
🤣could you imagine
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I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday