ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
BaD BoY!!
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.